So, Maybe I Need To Share a Little About Myself

I was born in Austin, Texas. Grew up in Giddings. Left Giddings as soon as i had a chance and came back to Austin. Been here ever since - not counting the 6 months i spent in Houston. I won't talk about Houston til I'm ready to offend people about it. Fucking refugee town. I got married before Houston, had my baby after. My husband, Phillip, is my primary source of joy in this life.

So, the childbirth was painful. Recovery was pretty bad, too. But the worst part? Breastfeeding. Why? Because it made me tired. All the time. And since I had to stay home with the baby in order to maintain my milk supply, I couldn't really get help. When the depression set in about three weeks later, I was basically screwed. It felt like my whole world shut down. Don't get me wrong, I never didn't love my son. But I totally resented my own stupidity for getting pregnant when I did. I felt that all i had left was to rear my child and screw him up, leaving him with the same neuroses that have followed me my entire adult life. It's not that hard to subject a child to emotional abandonment.

I needed a distraction. I needed to give myself something to do that would separate me from the anxiety and allow me to ignore the fear and the loneliness, if only for a little while at a time. I knew that if i allowed myself to continue the way i had been, I would do something I shouldn't. It's happened before. I lack coping mechanisms, so negatives tend to just build and build and build until I snap. I've caused injuries to myself and others, lost jobs, hurt people I loved. I knew that if i didn't separate myself from that horror film of a mental state, I could do it again. All of it.

So, I pulled out my little sewing machine. I went to Craigslist and found a woman who was trying to get rid of a ton of fabric for an astronomically low price. And I started putting things together. The only problem is, I live in a REALLY small apartment. That's why I opened up a little online store. I named it Lovely Snugs, as a derivative of my husband's nickname for me.  I love crafting. I love the freedom it provides for me to get away from how i feel, if only for a moment or two. But the crafts themselves take up a lot of space. So I'm hoping to use this as a way to unload the stuff I make, because I want the space to make more stuff.

Because, if I don't get away from how I feel, it becomes more and more difficult to understand what I'm going through. Everything just becomes one big blur of loneliness and boredom. I forget that I have everything I've ever wanted and that I should be celebrating everything that's been given to me since my marriage. We've been through so much (that's another post) and come out on the other side stronger, smarter, and more closely bonded than ever before.

So, here I am, trying to build my own safe place out of pillows, blankets, and bags. And you know what? I may still succeed.