What to Do When an Old Friend Calls

So, there's this guy i went to culinary school with. Fun guy, funny guy. Chose Houston over Austin, which is bullshit, but hey, i guess i don't blame him too much - his hometown, not mine! We got to be pretty close toward the end there, right before graduation, but there was also lots of hot chemistry, which really sucks, cuz i had a boyfriend and we couldn't do anything about it. Anyway, i still think about him now and then, cuz we had one of those friendships. . .you know, the really weird kind where you don't have to say anything besides "i'm tired and my life sucks today" and ten minutes later, you've been so distracted by whatever stupidity that it doesn't matter anymore. And i miss that about him. Even if he did say and do some things that were inappropriate, he WAS a good friend to me, when he was around. But now he's not around anymore and i'm wondering if we should be friends again. I mean, i'm married with a kid, and he's got a really cool job (that i would NEVER do) in Houston. So there's really nothing at all to move our particular brand of comedy (and it IS quite unusual) out of the platonic and into the. . .i think romantic is the wrong word. But so is sexual, cuz it wasn't that either. Well, not JUST that, anyway.

So that's where i am right now. Don't know if the sanity that might be offered by my old "pal" is worth the potential mess, but at the same time, not sure there actually IS potential for mess. But i gotta do something to save my mind. And texting my old buddy requires a lot less consistency than Lovely Snugs. But i'm working hard on that, too. In fact, i think i have a bunch of new listings for the store tomorrow. That'll depend on whether or not my son lets me take the pictures i need while the light is good. I'm looking forward to finding out.

<sigh> thoughts? opinions? anybody?

So, Maybe I Need To Share a Little About Myself

I was born in Austin, Texas. Grew up in Giddings. Left Giddings as soon as i had a chance and came back to Austin. Been here ever since - not counting the 6 months i spent in Houston. I won't talk about Houston til I'm ready to offend people about it. Fucking refugee town. I got married before Houston, had my baby after. My husband, Phillip, is my primary source of joy in this life.

So, the childbirth was painful. Recovery was pretty bad, too. But the worst part? Breastfeeding. Why? Because it made me tired. All the time. And since I had to stay home with the baby in order to maintain my milk supply, I couldn't really get help. When the depression set in about three weeks later, I was basically screwed. It felt like my whole world shut down. Don't get me wrong, I never didn't love my son. But I totally resented my own stupidity for getting pregnant when I did. I felt that all i had left was to rear my child and screw him up, leaving him with the same neuroses that have followed me my entire adult life. It's not that hard to subject a child to emotional abandonment.

I needed a distraction. I needed to give myself something to do that would separate me from the anxiety and allow me to ignore the fear and the loneliness, if only for a little while at a time. I knew that if i allowed myself to continue the way i had been, I would do something I shouldn't. It's happened before. I lack coping mechanisms, so negatives tend to just build and build and build until I snap. I've caused injuries to myself and others, lost jobs, hurt people I loved. I knew that if i didn't separate myself from that horror film of a mental state, I could do it again. All of it.

So, I pulled out my little sewing machine. I went to Craigslist and found a woman who was trying to get rid of a ton of fabric for an astronomically low price. And I started putting things together. The only problem is, I live in a REALLY small apartment. That's why I opened up a little online store. I named it Lovely Snugs, as a derivative of my husband's nickname for me.  I love crafting. I love the freedom it provides for me to get away from how i feel, if only for a moment or two. But the crafts themselves take up a lot of space. So I'm hoping to use this as a way to unload the stuff I make, because I want the space to make more stuff.

Because, if I don't get away from how I feel, it becomes more and more difficult to understand what I'm going through. Everything just becomes one big blur of loneliness and boredom. I forget that I have everything I've ever wanted and that I should be celebrating everything that's been given to me since my marriage. We've been through so much (that's another post) and come out on the other side stronger, smarter, and more closely bonded than ever before.

So, here I am, trying to build my own safe place out of pillows, blankets, and bags. And you know what? I may still succeed.

So, I was NEVER a Buffy Fan, But. . .

Working on small details is almost always irritating. It's tedious, boring, annoying, and it's usually literally a pain in the neck. So, while i was finishing up some drawstring bags for my online store, I took a break. I turned on the TV and. . .watching television is almost always irritating. It's tedious, boring, annoying, and it's usually literally a pain in the ass.

I'm not a huge TV person. Actually, I'm like two truffles away from obese, so i AM huge. But I don't like a lot of TV shows. The ones I watch on purpose can be counted on 1 hand: House, Criminal Minds, How I Met Your Mother, and Bones. Yeah, I have a weakness for overdone dramas and medium-crappy comedy. That's why I prefer movies over television. Same stupidity, minus the commercial breaks. Or maybe it's just that the shows I liked best kept getting canceled. Take Titus, for example. I LOVED that show. We all know people like that. Honestly, Stacy Keach made that show. It would never have been awesome without him. And then it was gone. Which sucks. Cuz, like I said. LOVED it.

But here's the point I was trying to come to: When I was growing up (Titus, for instance, was on the air when i was in junior hgh) I didn't give a crap about the actors' names. I didn't know that Max from Dark Angel was played by a woman named Jessica Alba. I didn't know who Stacy Keach and Cynthia Watros were. And now, looking back, I see those same actors EVERYWHERE. Alyson Hannigan (HIMYM) and David Boreanaz (BONES) both acted in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. I HATED those shows growing up. I AVOIDED them like the freaking plague. But it's been awhile. And now I have to admit, they're good (the actors, not the shows). And I guess what I mean to say is, I should pay more attention to the names of the actors in TV shows and movies I like. Just in case.

By the way, did you know Stacy Keach was in the movie American History X? Cuz I didn't. And I really liked that movie. I've seen it like four times. I guess I'm just not a very observant person.